* * *

My friend, this waiter, he works in a restaurant not unlike the place that I work. Food on a plate, John Denver playing low and that's about it. Save for sixteen miles between the two restaurants, you'd swear they were the same. Sandwich and salad fare with entrees on the menu just to look all grown up.

My friend, the waiter, he swears the entree quality at his restaurant is somewhere in between dog vomit and The Cheesecake Factory, but leaning more toward one than the other. Everything is "made from scratch" except everything that isn't. The extra virgin olive oil is ninety percent soybean oil. The butter is ninety percent soybean oil. The fresh ground sirloin burgers are made from the cheapest ground beef money can buy.

Him and I, we share a lot of the same views on our jobs, on waiting tables and which guests deserve to be served a cup of coffee so old it smells like burnt pencils. We talk work. We blow off steam. We do this because we have to, my friend, the waiter and I. We do this because we are one and the same. We're serving the same crummy food to the same and sometime insane regulars, with the same co-workers and the same problems. To tell these stories in a bar where there are just as many packs of cigarettes on the table as drinks is inevitable. There are thousands and thousands of these stories in the sixteen miles between our two restaurants and I'm quite certain that they're all the same.

Thing is, I can tell his. My friend, the waiter, I can tell his stories because they are not my own. I can tell them without hearing about it the next day at work. I can tell them without giving away any deep dark dirty secret of my restaurant. Besides... his stories are better.

* * *

The Grim Reaper was staring out from behind the fenced in parking lot of the Golden Corral buffet. There was no mistaking it, except, my friend was mistaken. As he drove closer and eventually past the Golden Corral, he could see the Grim Reaper for what he really was; a fifty gallon black garbage bag stuck to the fence, a long broom standing upright beside it.

On the way to a restaurant job, everything means something about your tips to come. If it looks like rain, you're gearing up for a night of squatters that want the dry seat with the roof over their head, but only want to tip $2 an hour. Food, they don't order much of that.

If it looks like a hurricane--your restaurant's patio chairs flying down the street--anybody that walks in the door is to be considered reckless and batshit crazy and Batshit Crazies aren't known for their tipping either. The Batshit Crazies are saving all of their money to will to their dog when they drive their car into a tornado.

The other day, the Hefty bag and the upright broom--The Grim Reaper of Golden Corral--it probably didn't mean a thing at all. Sure, somebody was fired that morning before my friend came in, and sure this person was supposedly dying, actually dying, but things really weren't out of the ordinary in the restaurant. A woman found a safety pin in her catfish sandwich, but she didn't choke on it or anything. The manager on duty told the table that it was a fish hook that the fish must have swallowed, as if the fish they serve are even caught one hook at a time and as if their fillets are contaminated with their stomach contents before serving and it was funny that both the manager and the guest seemed to believe this story, but it was just another day.

Then the next day, the tips died. All of the tips. They all died. Like a switch that flipped when gas went over four a gallon, tips went from $4 to $15 a table to $1 to $8 a table overnight. Desserts are off the table. Waters all around. Extra lemons. Lots of lemons. Let's make lemonade. Free lemonade.

The Grim Reaper of Golden Corral, today we've decided he was saying, "This is what you'll be making now. This is all you'll get. Buffet tips."

The safety pins are all you can eat.

The redesign is still a work in progress, but my goal this go around is to clean things up a bit. Sadly, that required the purging of all comments that have ever been made. My outdated version of the Movable Type platform left me more than a little bit vulnerable to spammers. In the past year, I racked up an astounding 81,000 bullshit comments, mostly in the archives.

A while ago, I remember someone high up at AOL proposing an e-mail tax. A penny to send an e-mail, any e-mail. Still forty-one cents cheaper than a stamp! The reasoning was pretty sound--spammers won't be able to afford it!

Sadly, when you want to encourage a talkback on a blip of a website like my own, you need the comment engine to be as easy for people to use as possible. Otherwise, the interest wanes and we all move on to Gizmodo or some other gadget porn website. (Certainly it isn't just me.) The easy commenting lets the robots walk all over it and some stupid ringtone website just got a slightly higher ranking in Google thanks to it's new link from my blog. So you see, it's all Google's fault that all of your comments are deleted. If you'd like to let them know how you feel about it, climb onto your roof and organize the tiles into a message for their satellite to photograph.

Also, get naked. You'll be three pixels high and famous one day.

That aside, I've finally introduced categories to my blog in a bid to catch up with 2002. Soon, I'll be posting scary food news in the Food Truths category as well as some interesting stories from My Friend, the Waiter in his. Both of these were ideas that I wanted to start as separate blogs, but never got around to. Now, they'll be something to post here! Something I'm allowed to post here, unlike the current project that I am working on.

Finally, the site should be more compatible than ever. Reading better on them fancy new devices, the iPhone and most importantly the Kindle. If a blog is all one big ego stroke, it might as well look the best on my device of choice.

At first, it was a Sony mini-disc player back when you had to physically record music onto the discs in 1/1 (real) time. Then it was a chunky, clunky Archos Jukebox MP3 player with hacked firmware if only to make it a few more features closer to the iPod I should have purchased in the first place. Without iTunes compatibility, I was still just ripping copies of real-life discs.

There was comfort in that. That I could still make use of the trendy CD sleeve wallpaper plastering my walls. I didn't quite get that after the CD was in the computer, wallpaper was the ONLY thing it was good for.

When I finally realized that the most complete music collection I owned was in my computer, not thumbtacked to my walls, I broke down and purchased an iPod.

Though one day I may regret all of the DRMed music I've purchased from iTunes (where were you Amazon?), the iPod didn't just change the way I listened to music, it changed my quality of life. I was listening to a whole heck of a lot more music than ever before, discovering more artists and enjoying them in more places.

Apple has not been able to add anything substantial (for me) to the experience since, but today I have to wonder what kept me so attached to the physical "product" for so long?

Last week, I had to remind myself of this attachment to the physical and make one big jump. There would be no baby steps this time around--just my bookshelves that I love so much to this--

It's easy enough to say that the Amazon Kindle is changing the way I read books, but I think it's so much more than that. The Kindle is on the verge of changing my life and not just the quality of it.

There have been scores of failed e-readers in the past. Even e-ink e-readers like the Sony Reader, but Amazon has done what no one else has been able to do--connect us to all of the information in the world in a very practical way.

If you're an avid reader, or even just wish to be one, Sony's Reader can't provide a wide enough variety of books to seal the deal. While Amazon isn't 100% there either, they're far closer with far loftier goals to one day sell every book in and out of print.

This is why I thought this device was for me. To read more books without having to bend the spine from closing on me, without the words slinking into the gutter, without craning my neck to read the left side of the page, without the weight of a 500 page Dave Eggers hardcover. To pay $7.99 to $9.99 for books that I was paying $12.99 to $28.99 for in the past.

I didn't expect that there was an even smaller demographic that this device was even more suited to.

If you really love to read, buy a Kindle. If you really love to learn, you should really, really buy this thing.

The Kindle is changing the way I receive information. It's always online through Sprint's high speed cell phone network and without any monthly bills. It searches Wikipedia, for free, from anywhere in the country and it does it faster than an iPhone, with a bigger, easier to read, sharp as paper screen.

Its internet browser, limited by the 4 color greyscale of the e-ink isn't the full internet experience, but it IS perfectly suited for information heavy content like news and blogs.

Here it is, viewing my blog...

I'm pretty accustomed to carrying a book with me wherever I go, only now that book just got a whole lot lighter, thinner and connected to encyclopedias, blogs and the entire internet.

Did I mention that I'm getting Time Magazine beamed to it every week for only $1.49 a month? Or that I get The New York Times every morning at 4am without having to "sync" anything.

So, when I'm not reading 100 pages of a book in one sitting, I'm reading Time, or The New York Times or the digestive habits of fish (long story) on Wikipedia or a little bit of Waiter Rant. I'm reading anything and everything and fuck the price tag, it was worth every penny. When people talked about the internet being all of the world's information at your fingertips, this is what they were talking about. Not a laptop, not the iPhone--the Kindle.

Right now, I'm finally finishing Dave Eggers' What is the What. The version I'm reading is sitting atop the printed copy in this photo...

I'm reading mostly on my back in bed without killing my wrists. It's fantastic.

It's going to be a lot easier to detach myself from the physical look and feel (and smell!) of books than I ever thought before.

I sold my old camera to offset 3/4ths of the $400 pricetag, but now that I've played with it I would have definitely purchased it outright. It'll pay itself off in savings 30-50 books from now, but it's also paying itself off in the $20 a month internet access (that barely worked) I canceled on my phone. Oh and it'll save me $50 on another bookshelf 30-50 books from now as well.

Soon I'll shoot some food in the dishes. Yeah, this is what I've been doing lately. More to tell on that matter, but for now this picture of an empty bowl.

Ryan's new CD is being manufactured.

Watch this video... if you like it it's kind of a part of a contest so click here and vote for my friend Jeremy, the actor in it, to get cast in a horror movie. It makes you register to vote, but the registration is easy and fast.

It's that time of year again to renew your lease with us. We would like to give you the opportunity to renew your lease. We have enjoyed having you as one of our residents and would love for you to stay with us for another lease term! Keep in mind that we would need a 60 day notice if you intend to leave. Here is your new rate if you are interested in renewing:

Current rent: $940 New rent: $965-$985 depending on length of lease

Why move when you can renew?

Did you know the high cost of moving in today's world? We have assembled some important information on moving costs, apartment fees and other monies you might accrue during your move. Here is a break down of what we found.

Cost to rent a moving truck..........$175 average for 4 hours!
Cost of gas for the moving truck.....$65
Cost to transfer utilities...........$150
Cost to buy supplies (boxes, tape, bubble wrap)......$200
Deposit for another apartment...........$230-$430
Administration fees.............$225-$300
Application fees..........$50-$65
Pet fees..................$200

Not to mention the hassle of changing your address, schools, additional toll monies for transportation, additional gas money, changing forms for work and school, deposits for utilities and most importantly taking time off of work or school to make the move!

So why move when you can save hundreds of dollars, maybe even thousands by staying right here in your home!

We look forward to preparing your new lease ASAP!

Management,

You have recently informed us that you would like us to renew our lease at a raised rate. Though we were planning on renewing our lease, we do not feel that an increase in our rent is justified. The $940 that we are currently paying, that our rent was raised to the last time we renewed, is the highest one bedroom rent we've seen in the area.

In the past few months we have referred two different people to your complex who toured the grounds but decided the apartments were overpriced.

Yet there are three units in our corridor that have been and still are vacant. The one directly below us has been empty for two months now, around an $1800 loss for the complex. The apartment across from us has been empty for ten days, for about the cost that you would like to raise our rent through the duration of a twelve month lease.

As loyal tenants to the tune of $27,000 in rent paid, we took your "renewal offer" letter as a slap in the face. It began with how much our rent will be raised and then spent the entire rest of the page detailing how much more expensive it would be for us to move out. To imply that you are saving us money by charging us more is not only incorrect but downright rude. You do not have us trapped here, paying whatever you wish us to pay, just because of the expenses incurred in a move.

However, your breakdown of moving costs intrigued us, so we went looking for a new apartment and crunched the actual expenses of a move. What we found was a two bedroom apartment with 140 more square feet within three miles of here for $910 a month, first month free.

Security deposit: $200
Pet deposit: $150
Utility deposits: $0 (good credit)
U-Haul Rental: $39.99
Gas: $10 - $30
Moving Boxes and Tape $10 (boxes are free in many places, you know)

With the free month's rent we will save more than $500 the day we move in and an additional $660 in twelve months, compared to the rate that you've proposed.

We are not trying to rub these numbers in your face, but merely satirizing the letter that you gave us. We are quite happy living here, but do know our options and looking at the numbers above, over $1000 saved doesn't sound so bad for three or four days work.

If you keep our rent at the current rate of $940, we'll consider a 7 month renewal. If you give us the first month of our new lease free we'll sign a 12 month renewal at your new rate of $965 tomorrow.

Sincerely,
Christian and Elise Stella

You know we did that whole Jones Soda taste test thing AGAIN this year and boy is it getting to be something that is more fun as it is happening than when I sit down to describe it here. This year there was Christmas Ham flavored soda and Christmas Tree flavored soda and a sneaky surprise of a football flavored five pack with Perspiration, Turf, Dirt, Sports Cream and "Sweet Victory" flavored sodas. The Christmas Ham soda tasted like the ET ride at Universal Studios. The perspiration was disgusting, but nowhere near the bar set now two years ago by the infamous Brussels Sprout Soda.

There is no other substance on this rock we live on that can set me to instantly vomit such as this. This Brussels Sprout Soda. When none of this year's selections set us off, we pulled this vintage from the cupboard. Then we huddled around the toilet and Adam Wekarski and I took our turns with the buttery garbage flavored mess, both puking it up almost instantaneously. Ryan Wiford kept it down somehow, but most likely with some of his secret vegan powers.

Here is a video of me puking. It's really You Tubey to the point that you can't even see the vomit! Enjoy. Yes, I was drinking from a Dora the Explorer Dixie Cup, of course. Yes, it's fruit cake that I ravage from Elise's hand. Yes.

You should go see the new Coen brothers movie No Country for Old Men but leave two thirds of the way through and draw a better ending on a series of napkins. You should also draw some extra napkins for a few of the holes in the plot earlier on that you just accepted because the movie was awesome at that time.

Anyone that knows me personally, probably knows that I've been waiting in the wings for this opportunity for years. At first, I wasn't twenty-one and then this year I was getting married... but the next Big Brother... Big Brother 9 next summer was going to be the one.

I don't know what my fascination with Big Brother is exactly, but I'm sure it's some kind of reinventing myself fantasy like losing all of my weight was four years ago. I can go on TV, in a house of strangers and be myself or be something totally different, whichever feels more correct. Then I can prove something by outsmarting these strangers. It's my idea of fun, honestly.

But for some unknown reason, I completely blew my audition video. I shit out of my mouth and definitely ended all chances for Big Brother 9.

I had this whole story I was going to write before I wrote that I blew chunks, but it's not that important anymore. It did however involve a whole lot of women at a "Women's Show" buying shoes and handbags and floofy bendy pens for no reason as I sat blowing the video. Then I ended the video with, "Well, I kinda blew this video, so I'll stop now."

Dear lord.

So keep an eye out for me on Big Brother 9 next year. I'll be the guy sitting on a couch and watching the show in the reflection of the TV screen.

This is further proof that having a camera shoved in your face just doesn't get any easier. This just begs the question once again... why the hell do I want to go on this show so bad?

Maybe it's to get used to cameras?

Part of me would like to downgrade this site to something lame and artificially artistic where I pretend that minimal equals serious and that I'm this really serious writer because everything is now a secret. You'd have to click around for a while to find this blog and when you got to it, it would definitely never be updated unless I'd just finished writing something--which never happens.

Let's take inventory.

Right now, I have four writing projects that I wish to consider that I am "working" on.

Ribcage
Halleluiah! Cafe
The Delilah Triangle
Untitled Weight Loss Memoir

One of these is a novel. One of these is a screenplay. Ribcage is... still unfinished as a project and my weight loss memoir is once again untitled until further notice.

One of the four, I will actively work on, starting today. There will be deadlines and consequences and minimum word outputs and everything. I know which one it is and if it isn't now, it's never... so it's now, now, now.

I will secrete more information on my new writing ultimatum as I feel more confident that I can actually uphold my deadline.

In other news, we still hate our jobs and we still have two cats. So not much else has changed. Actually, we REALLY hate our jobs and have 2.5 cats if you count the stray that climbs to the third story to meow at us for food every night. I've decided that we will feed this cat every day so that it can gain some weight for the upcoming winter, but we will never take it in because it is mostly afraid of us. Don't be a cocksucker to a server and don't order water "with a lime". You're not going to squeeze the lime into your water and you know it. It does not make you seem refined, rather than cheap.

Our car. Holy shit. Lightning struck our car. It had to have. Our car was parked right there!

I ran inside and Elise was jumping out of bed. At this point we’re sure lightning hit the car but we don’t want to go near the windows to look out. We went back outside under the covered walkway to see some crazy guy running up the stairs. He was saying, “Lightning struck your building! Lightning struck your building!” Okay, the car narrowly escaped and the building wasn’t on fire, so all was going to be okay.

Then I remembered the computers.

Now I want you to ask yourself a question. Is your computer plugged into a surge protector? Okay, so I’m sure it is. Or I’m sure you at least know it should be. But is the actual coaxial cable that is plugged into your cable modem running through a surge protector?

If it is not and your building takes a direct lightning strike, this is what happens.

A surge of electricity travels through your cable line, right into your cable modem, blowing it.

Then it continues on, through your Ethernet cable, into your wireless router, blowing it.

Then, finally, even though it is a wireless router, its wireless for the secondary computers on the network, your main computer that is actually hard-wired into the router with another Ethernet cable for the best performance, that computer’s Ethernet card blows.

That computer’s Ethernet card is not a stand-alone card, but like most computers, is built onto the motherboard, so the whole motherboard is blown.

Of course, in the other room, Elise’s computer is blowing as well. When you pull the power strip out of the wall, you notice that the grounding prong is just plain broken off.

Two computers, a router and a modem… dead.

Thankfully, we’d just purchased a laptop to replace my main computer and already transferred and backed up most of the important files. Today, we replaced Elise’s desktop. Then we bought a whole shit-lot of surge protecting devices.

-Christian Stella