I watch Big Brother feeds every year.
Big Brother is a new kind of television show, in a new genre of television shows that I will dub "Reality Television". But in earnestness, I live Big Brother every summer in every way you can live it without actually living IN the Big Brother house. (We'll see next summer on fixing that.)
Anyway, I have no care to explain the show or what the feeds are... just that they cost me $15 a month by way of a required subscription to the Real Player Superpass.
Now you remember how I've been writing companies fake letters? Well this one was a combo--it was a letter that needed to be written, but why couldn't I have a little fun at the same time?
The setup is this... Big Brother is now over and I need to cancel my Real Superpass subscription. On their site it repeatedly says that the only way to do this is by calling an 800 number. It says DO NOT EMAIL US FOR CANCELLATIONS: EMAIL AGENTS DO NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO CANCEL SUBSCRIPTIONS.
And without further ado, my email...
Dear Real,I would like to cancel my superpass account. I can see all over your site here that I can't do it through anything other than calling a number between the certain operating hours, but signing up for your superpass is not restricted to any hour of the day and neither should cancellation. Most respectable companies are doing one click, online cancellations now because of annoying people like me--who just, absolutely, don't want to call your number and listen to reasons I should keep my superpass.
I would call the number, I really would, but it's too early in the morning to call and I must be off to work. Then I'll go to work and forget about calling and forget for days and get charged $15 again like we all know always happens with things like this. That number is probably busy a lot right now too, with Big Brother ending and all.
What if I told you I had a phobia of phones? Or talking to live people--that's it! I have a phobia of live people that absolutely terrifies me up and down, I swear. I can't call and cancel because of my crippling disorder and just need my account snubbed out before it's too late.
Yes, I am one of those annoying Big Brother people that cancels every year--but I am also a very loyal customer if you think about it. Just only 3 months out of the year. But that's all I need from you really. Real Superpass is like a woman of the night for me. I take what I need from her and then toss her out like yesterday's business. But I'll come crawling back! I always do. Next summer I'll be here, even though the Big Brother feeds are kind of boring and always glitching up--I always come crawling back.
Cancel my feeds without telling me to call that number and I'll give you a cookie. Also, I won't tell anyone else that you broke the rule for me. Don't tell me it isn't possible. YOU DID IT FOR ME LAST YEAR. Where shall I mail the cookie?
Within hours, I received this response from the company...
Thank you for contacting the Real Customer Support Center. This e-mail confirms the cancellation of your subscription to SuperPass as of 09/19/2006.
Also, I received a response from Frito-Lay on my crazy letter to them, so I should be posting that exchange soon.
Fresh off of those successes, I made up letters to McDonald's and Kraft. Sending those out today.
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