December 2005 Archives

What I've been reading:

McSweeney's Issue 18

Got this today. It's a very small and heavy trade paperback that feels really good in your hands. It's not gimmicky like the bundle of mail that was the last issue, and that's a relief. Haven't started reading it yet, but I'm getting a little tired of seeing the same authors issue after issue. I thought they were a literary quarterly, not a Roddy Doyle/Joyce Carol Oates quarterly. McSweeney's supposedly started to publish stuff that was rejected from other magazines and now, today, most of their contributors are well established, well accepted and, well, kind of boring.

It came with the first issue of their new quarterly DVD, Wholphin and the stuff I've watched off of it was mostly hilarious. There is even a short film written by Miranda July, starring John C. Reilly and Mike White.

Lydia Davis - Samuel Johnson is Indignant

Supposedly, Lydia Davis is a writer's writer. I'm going to suppose that's because many of her stories make writers say, "Damn, I wish I had thought of that," and "Damn, I wish I could get away with calling that a story." Because much of her stuff is short, really short. Because much of her stuff is completely pointless. She gets away with it because she has a way with words. I like it. But I also know that most people won't.

What I've been listening to:

Laura Veirs - Year of Meteors

and Carbon Glacier

Elise's mother gave me a Virgin Megastore gift card for Christmas, so I did what I always do there--walked the aisles looking for CD covers that intrigue me. For some reason, it's always the CDs in digipacks or regular cases slipped into cardboard sleeves (as was the case with these) that make me stop. Then I take a big stack of what is mostly shit to the listening computers that hardly ever work. Ooh, they're touchscreens! Too bad they're years old now and the "touch" part of the touchscreen no longer likes to be touched. After traversing the store for the one machine with both a working touchscreen and working headphones, I had enough time to listen to two songs by Laura Veirs before the store was closing. Two songs was all I needed to hear to buy both of these albums. They're fantastic, especially Year of Meteors. She's toured with Andrew Bird and Sufjan Stevens, so I'm wondering why I've never heard of her. She's smart, she sophisticated, she's probably what Lisa Loeb should have aged into.

The Pale Pacific - Urgency

The deal with The Pale Pacific is that they used to be just, The Pale. I have The Pale's album Gravity Gets Things Done and it's a pretty good album that I just never want to listen to for some reason. I had no idea that they went on to change their name, release an EP and then another album and I wasn't sure I cared.

But I listened to some clips from Urgency and they sounded great, so I bought the album and it blew me away. iTunes' clips don't do this thing justice. Everyone says they're a ripoff of Death Cab for Cutie, an Amazon review even saying "They sound more like Death Cab than Death Cab." At times, they do... but I'd take this album over Death Cab's new Plans any day. Best album I've heard since James Blunt, which was probably the best since Sufjan Stevens' Illinois, which was the best since Andrew Bird.

What I've been eating:

Leftover Christmas Ham

I don't want anymore ham.

We were enjoying delicious cups of chicken salad at Chick-Fil-A earlier when I noticed this...

You see Chick-Fil-A is the religious fast food chain, so they put out a nativity around Christmas. But apparently someone stole the baby Jesus, replacing it with a mayonnaise packet.

Don't blame me, I just take the pictures.

ALSO, today is a Wednesday and this Wednesday there is a new story over at Ribcage.

This is going to be an abridged Christmas post because I didn't get any pictures of the food I made yesterday and because too many people got us too many things.

These are the pictures I do have...

Elise got me this robot.

And this blown glass lizard, made and sent from Russia with love.

Then she got me the one thing I truly wanted for Christmas, which is to show you how much of a geek I am. I believe my brother is the only person that is going to know what this is...

You see, you take these parts and wires...

...all of these resistors, transistors and electronic doodads go into the holes in the circuit board in the center of the "lab", then you connect wires into those holes and to the various springs all around the thing. You do all of this painstakingly, reading the tiny code on the transistors and doing math to make sure that it's the one you need and so on. You put like 40 things into place, following a schematic in the book and then you can make a buzzing sound come out of the speaker or something. That's it.

You don't understand how satisfying it is though! To spend hours making something do something stupid for a brief period of time until you pull all the parts back out and start again. The other day, I made a really horrible sounding organ out of the buttons on the bottom right. It was awesome. I made an AM radio that only picked up one Mexican radio station. This was also awesome.

Anyhow, I got Elise a lot of stuff that doesn't look particularly awesome in photographs or anything. Sugar-free Godiva, Jay Ryan's book, Andrew bird buttons, a Sims 2 expansion pack, Steel Magnolias on DVD so that she can play the movie and match it up to the quotes that are always coming out of her mouth.

But the big thing that I got her was this hand-made moonstone necklace and earring set from India.

The jewelry was made by this woman, Neeru Goel and I know that because Novica.com is the best site in the world. They're partnered with National Geographic and all they sell is hand-made things from artists and artisans in other countries. Each and every item shows the artist and their biography, right there and it's amazing.

The set shipped out of India where it was made, came in this beautiful case and came with a postcard written by Neeru and then translated by someone else. Novica and Neeru saved my Christmas for Elise, no doubt.

Finally, now I can post the pictures of these big paintings Elise painted for her parents.

Elise: I don't know what I'm watching.
Me: You're watching looped footage of a burning log.

I'd say that I made myself sick in some writing whirlwind, but I clearly caught this cold from Elise. She probably caught it from some kid at Disney.

So I'm dropping the ball on that recent writing whirlwind. After 16 hours of sleep, I barely made the Ribcage deadline yesterday and even then, it was just a posting of the current revisions I've made on the old story, Animal Assignments.

Plus, I'm going to have to resign from any hope that I can get a story into that whole Columbia Journal / Amy Hempel judged contest. But that's okay... they seem like they're out of my league anyway.

I'm so bad with fevers now. Ever since I lost all of that weight. I get so fucking dizzy that the only thing I can do is lay under a blanket on the couch and watch crappy shows about tattoos or plastic surgery. Seriously. I was sucked in because they were doing these full body lifts on the plastic surgery show. People that paid $55,000 to remove excess skin like the skin that I have. Granted, they were far worse. What I didn't get was that this mother and daughter lost their weight with gastric bypass and were clearly still 30 and 50 pounds overweight respectively. All I could think was, they lost close to 200 pounds after their bypass, couldn't they push themselves for that final 30 and 50 before paying $55,000 each to tighten their skin? The doctor even said that they weren't use to doing body lifts on people that still had as much fat. Eventually, if they do lose the rest of their weight, they'll just need another surgery.

If I ever did that shit, you could bet I'd walk into that place the skinniest I've ever been. Then after, I'd bulk up with a little bit of muscle. You know, or I could put that hypothetical money toward a house or something.

Then I've been watching Deal or No Deal which is perfect television when you're in a state of delerium. There is no brain required to watch this show. It's basically Howie Mandel, whose head is very shaved, on a Who Wants to be a Millionaire-esque set and 26 cases of money and a contestant. The contestant picks a case and then they spend close to an entire hour opening the other 25 cases in slow motion. The cases have money amounts ranging from one cent to one million dollars. So basically, opening the other cases shows what isn't in the contestant's chosen case. After every couple of cases are opened and eventually after each and every one is opened, this fictional "banker" character "calls" on a telephone that looks like white Kryptonite and offers to buy the contestant's case for what is basically the average between the lowest and highest amounts yet to be opened. Then the contestant says "Deal" or "No Deal" and that game ends or goes on.

Dammit all... that show has no fucking substance to be so hard to describe. It's basically an excuse to give people money in a really long and drawn out way. Or not give them money... if they're idiots. Odds are a simple concept, I thought. If you have a one in eight chance of opening the million dollar case, driving the bank's offer way down and you go for it. Those are still great odds. Then the next round you have one in seven. Still great odds. Then one in six and one in five and one in four. All still decent odds. Except the continued risk in itself, is a bad bet. Even if the odds are in your favor in each round until the final one, what are the odds that the odds don't bite you in the ass in 25 rounds? Pretty bad, actually. So now I've watched this show three nights in a row. Watched five contestants and everyone takes an offer. No one makes it to the end and rightly so. No one has made more than $200,000 or something and for an hour long primetime gameshow that's only hook is that they're giving away large amounts of free money--that ain't that exciting.

I mean the show is purposefully stacked in the show's favor, casino style. How is that exciting? It's like watching someone play a slot machine for an hour or something.

But I watch it!

Seeing as some of the satellite images in Google Earth are years old, we were able to find Elise's old red Mazda parked outside of her parents' house.

I actually zoomed all the way in from space, into Florida, then finding Orlando, then finding Sea World, then finding this Denny's, then travelling the roads back to our apartment from that. I found my way home, all the way from space. Then I realized that you can just type in an address and get zoomed right there.

I think people should just stop buying or renting DVDs that make you sit through an anti-piracy commercial just to get to the menu. I have Netflix. I have no reason to download pirated movies. I'm tired of having to sit through that damn "You wouldn't steal a DVD" bullshit. Sure, you can fastforward (not skip) through it, but apparently the movie studios don't know how awful the fast forward function on our DVD player is. I mean, it requires holding down the button just right and for just long enough, just to go at like 1.5 times normal speed.

It's CDs that I really hate though. It's like the music labels are PUSHING you to steal their shit. I have to inspect the damn things like buying diamonds. I have to look for any kind of copy protection put on it, because more and more, this is happening. CDs that are purposefully damaged in such a way that they won't play in a computer disc drive. Damaged enough to cut their shelf life in traditional CD players as well. I don't like my music to self destruct. CDs that download spyware that stops you from copying them. (Sony) Spyware with security holes that hackers use to send you viruses. CDs that give you rights managed WMV files to play on your computer, instead of letting you rip them into traditional MP3s. What all of those discs have in common is that they cannot be copied into iTunes, cannot be copied onto an iPod. Seeing as those are the only two ways I listen to music, these discs, and sadly--these artists--are useless to me.

Unless they're purchased at a low bit-rate, without album art, from the iTunes store.

Today, the 63 songs I do own from iTunes were held hostage by Apple, which I think was really cool of them. They were actually deleted out of my iPod when I synched this CD I bought yesterday. All because I clicked no to what they call a "voluntary" update of the iPod's software. As far as I can tell, the only function the update serves is adding a little folder for podcasts, of which I have none of. Last time I updated the software, it made me reformat the hard drive and re-transfer 20gb of music over two hours. If this happens again, I'm going to ask Apple for the two hours of my life back or $63 for hijacking music that is rightfully mine.

The Columbia Journal of Art and Literature is holding a short fiction contest judged by Amy Hempel. Submissions must be mailed and the deadline is New Year's Eve, but you can damn well bet that I am going to enter. If only so Amy Hempel can hold papers with words that came from my fingers. Which words, I have no friggin' clue. I may actually have to write one of these non-Ribcage stories that has been kicking around in my head.

In other news, I'm gearing up to write a third draft of Animal Assignments for the Chuck Palahniuk anthology that I still want desperately into. The second draft came out miraculously. It shits on the first version published in Ribcage: Volume 1. It makes me think that I should put all of the recent Ribcage stories through this much scrutiny before compiling Volume 2. Still, I'm looking forward to making Assignments that much tighter on another go around.

In even other news, my father and I are ironing out proposals for his third book. It's a ways off, as the second book isn't on the shelves just yet... but it's good to be prepared.

And still I've found time to work on my book! Even with all of this. And the Random House essay contest. And the Lulu Blooker Prize. And the four literary magazines I submitted to a few weeks back.

I'm feeling very good about this past month. Now if only I could write today's Ribcage story.

Here is this really dark video of the cat eating a piece of pizza set to Nine Inch Nails music.

I got a copy of Eating Stella Style from Simon and Schuster today. Have ten more author's copies on the way too! (Wonder what everyone is getting for Christmas?)

From my blog in May of this year...

I am also going to start revising the stories as I go. Old stories on the site may soon be noted as revised on the archive page... better to make everything stronger as I go, then to overwhelm myself later.

Better to have stronger pieces for submission to more and more magazines. Not to mention, I am going to actively participate in Chuck Palahniuk's writing workshop, where I receive critique and criticism and can work toward getting a piece in an anthology book at the end of the year, introduced by Chuck himself.

These are my goals for this year.

To finish this book.
To bring Ribcage to that next level.
To try my damndest at getting in that Chuck anthology.

Though I never got around to revising older stories as I went, I did however revise this week's story, seeing as Jeremy pointed out that there are no geckos in Connecticut, where the characters still live.

Apparently I wasn't the only one to make that mistake. As a Google search for "Geckos in Connecticut" brings up a blog pointing out that there shouldn't have been geckos in Connecticut on some episode of Gilmore Girls. I've heard that Gilmore Girls has some snappy, smart writing. So I guess us snappy, smart writers are stupid when it comes to geckos.

That's fine though, because now Ribcage: Volume 2 can have a pretty, colorful cover, adorned with red-spotted newts.

As far as those three goals I wrote about...

My book is almost finished, still on track to be shopped after the release of Eating Stella Style. I've written sixty pages in a little over a month. Recently, I printed it out to read and do some revising before writing the epilogue and learned that it now requires two of my binders to be able to turn the pages.

By "bringing Ribcage to that next level" I was talking about the whole pregnancy thing.

And even though I completely fell out of the Chuck Palahniuk writing workshop since working on my father's book, two nights ago I was selected into the next level of the anthology project. Right now, I have to rewrite the heck out of the story Animal Assignments. I have to make it glisten. Because this is it. This is as close as I can be to making that anthology book at this point in time.

Word in the underground is that CocaCola's new VAULT soda is the un-VUALTing of the SURGE formula of the late 90's that sent soda machines right out of public schools.

The early reviews say, "Not so fast." That it's SURGE without that SURGEY aftertaste we twenty-boomers grew up on.

But Ebay auctions are already capitalizing on the test market cans of VAULT. Offering them alongside long expired cans of SURGE and suggesting that you drink the VAULT while looking at the can of SURGE for nostalgic purposes.

For more information--www.savesurge.org

Or you can go ahead and order the Special Limited Edition of Save Surge: The Movie on DVD for three dollars, shipping included. (Ships mid-April)

I don't know why I find all of this so funny.

I had no sleep last night.

This week you're mostly right.

There is a new story over yonder.

I think I'm figuring this new digital camera out. The only post processing done to the following pictures was Picasa's auto-contrast.

Also, I got pictures of Elise's crazy new paintings up over at her site.

Elise did a new set of paintings and I took a picture of them on the wall with the new camera.

It's at an angle to reduce the flash, but I'll take straight on photos for her site sometime soon. As soon as I set up some diffused lighting, as soon as I figure out what all these buttons on the camera mean.

ME: I'd like to place an order for delivery.
DR: Okay. Is it an apartment or house?
ME: Apartment.
DR: What's the name of the complex?
ME: Well, it used to have a name and these pretty signs that made you feel like you were living somewhere that it was worth to be living, but now you just have to look for the big "CONDOS FOR SALE" banners that they covered them over with.
DR: Your can't even see the name of the complex from the road anymore?
ME: Nope. Both signs are all covered up.

There are also balloons lining the street, but you can't see them in the photograph.

Not sure why this pisses me off... just feels like we're living in a Macy's After Thanksgiving Sale or something. And also because they've told everyone that's renting these things that they were selling to private investors who mostly lived overseas and would want us to stay renting... yet the balloons lining a very busy tourist street say otherwise. They're looking for people who want a second home near Disney World, I'm sure.

1. A legless baseball girl hanging on their tree...

You see, apparently the legs broke off somewhere in Wal-Mart and yet... that is exactly why I wanted it for our tree.

2. A printed copy of Nine Lives for the Fat Kid Frame of Mind

Much like the legless, broken, baseball girl ornament... only I would actually want a hard copy of this. Only I would pay Lulu's base price and shipping for a twenty-two page stapled booklet, but it sure is real pretty outside of the digital world. It's set so that only I can purchase it, so this is probably the only copy that will ever exist.

I received a letter from Target in the mail today. Felt a credit card inside, but I applied for a Target Visa something like two years ago, back when I had bad credit.

Turned out to be a $10 Target gift card and an official response to the email I sent them with my thoughts on Sutton & Dodge. If you'd like a refresher on all of that, you can read the original post.

Dear Christian Stella:

I'm sorry that you were disappointed with the Sutton & Dodge steaks you bought at Target. I know how frustrating it can be when an iten doesn't work out, and I hope we can help you out.

Sutton & Dodge are fictional characters meant to represent steakhouse quality Angus beef that is only sold at SuperTarget. Hormel Foods has been in existence since 1890 and is a reputable company producing quality products.

I have contacted Hormel on your behalf to share your complaints about the steaks you bought, and they have invited you to call them at 800-555-5555 to further discuss your issues with the steaks. They will send your comments to the marketing personnel handling the Sutton & Dodge brand. You can also email my contact person at Hormel directly if you would like.

Fresh For Less - That's what shopping for groceries at Target is all about.

Wow... they gave me customer satisfaction AND a more direct way to gripe straight to Hormel!

I just think it's funny that a Google search on Sutton & Dodge pops my post on them up as the first result. Target.com comes up second. I'm still getting a few hits a week from people searching the brand.

In defense of Target's steak "items" for a minute... I will say that I tried to buy a steak at Wal-Mart the other day and that is simply impossible. When it comes to fake, injected, watery meat balloons--everyone but Publix and Winn-Dixie is doing it now and Target's Sutton & Dodge are the only ones that actually look like nice cuts of meat.

But that doesn't mean that they aren't overpriced for something that is a partial water product. And that doesn't mean that the marketing of the meat is truthful in any way. I could have guessed that they would say that the 1890 date was when Hormel was founded, but these steaks are not being marketed as a Hormel product.