July 2005 Archives

The chapters I cut from my book yesterday have been titled, Things You Can't Give Up and posted as a free download at my Lulu storefront.

Gotta go to Ikea and Cracker Barrel now.

Though copyediting on my father's book is around the corner, today I've finally put my nose back into my non-fiction book. Finally, finally, finally.

First order of business was--I cut 27 pages. 27 pages for now anyway. Who knows what else is doomed? I fear that every time I make a change to this book it becomes less "saleable." But I only fear that because it's getting better. It's getting to what I consider better.

I however, love books that come with a comb for no reason. (MsSweeney's Issue 16)

Everything I cut had to do with the specifics of dieting. Some of it even used the word "YOU." I hate that. Why did I do that? I don't know, but good riddance. "YOU" is a diet book word. Unless of course I'm using it to put YOU in MY shoes. But it wasn't being used in that way and so it's gone, gone, gone. Some of it was funny. Some of it was informative. Overall it was anchoring my book to the bottom of a shit pond.

Anyhow! Tomorrow is E's birthday and we're going to Cracker Barrel and IKEA. Tonight it's who knows where and Target, compliments of E's mother.

We're starting to buy things for the apartment. Stuff that won't over-fill the truck or break on the journey. But it will be nice to get to Florida and have a few things already, like say... a coffeemaker.

I bought a coffeemaker yesterday. One that you push your mug against to dispense--like a soda fountain. It seems nice. Hope it works well. Guess I'll find out in September.

You might laugh. But what if I got to Florida and couldn't have coffee? Exactly. What then?

Okay... so I probably shouldn't be so straight up with my thoughts on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, seeing as the writer of the movie is only one link removed from my blog, BUT... I have to say something. (The writer - John August links to David Anaxagoaras, who links to me and vice versa.)

So, my apologies David.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory existed on screen. That's for sure. The fact that it was being projected onto the screen cannot be denied. Did it go beyond flickering images and Dolby Surround? Will I even remember it tomorrow? Do I even remember it from last night? No, not really. Is that anybody's fault? Not exactly.

In defense of John August, the writing was good. I loved that there was a stronger emphasis on family, that Willy Wonka actually HAD a past... but it seemed that everything other than that let me down. Everything.

I shouldn't compare it to the original, but Willy Wonka is a movie that I don't feel is out of date in any way. That should have only been remade with the intention of completely reenvisioning it. When I heard that Tim Burton and Depp were doing it, I knew I was in for something new. Yet, I found it LESS creative than the original. Back in the day, Michael Jackson was fighting to remake Wonka; so was Marilyn Manson. I want to see THOSE movies. Now, those would be something different. Both creepy in their own ways. How true they were to the book, I wouldn't care. Because the original is close enough.

Tim Burton was all but invisible in this movie. The rundown house that Charlie lived in--THAT--was Tim Burton. Whoever directed the rest of the movie, I don't know. Maybe the director of Cat in the Hat, but I don't know because I see on IMDB that he was the production designer for Beetlejuice and Edward Scissorhands... so maybe if Bo Welch, director of Cat in the Hat directed Charlie and the Chocolate Factory it would have been more of a Tim Burton film than what is playing in theatres.

Everywhere I expected a Tim Burton touch, there wasn't. The Oompa Loompas all being played by the same person was a great idea that fell flat on its face due to an absolute lack of anything interesting about that person. Where was Burton's character design there? Augustus Gloop is just a fat kid, yet he had plenty of character design.

How could Burton, the director of Pee-Wee's Big Adventure and it's marvelous breakfast-making-contraption utterly fail to create a single interesting candy making machine? I mean, the Everlasting Gobstopper machine in the first film for heaven's sake! THAT was a wacky machine. The Everlasting Gobstopper itself had character in the first film! There is nothing as interesting to look at in this movie as that original Everlasting Gobstopper.

Then there's the CGI, that was supposed to make the factory large beyone our wildest dreams. Once again, the original's factory felt far more vast for me. I saw Jon Favreau talking about his new children's sci-fi movie Zathura the other day and how he had to fight the studios to use model spaceships instead of CG. He said exactly what I've been saying for years... that you can do anything with CG nowadays but who cares? You can make the biggest spaceship, but it's still just CG in our eyes. You can make the biggest fucking chocolate factory with humongous corridors that glass elevators float down for minutes as fireworks explode for no reason... but that doesn't mean I can touch that chocolate factory. It doesn't even look like I can touch that glass elevator. Film a model, film claymation even and I still get a sense that it's something that's THERE. Something that can be touched. Heck, the sandworms in Beetlejuice were just claymation, but they were far more dangerous to me than the aliens in War of the Worlds.

Alright, I'm getting lazy now. I've written far too much about this movie already. So...

The original is far darker. This is a kid's movie, through and through.

Johnny Depp is surprisingly boring, for once.

We know now and should've known before... don't mess with Gene Wilder.

The squirrel sequence was good. That and maybe four lines of surprising dialogue. The four lines that were hilarious and out of place. Out of place because they belonged in the real Tim Burton movie.

The book is beautiful. The book is for sale. Here.

Ribcage: Volume 1
7.5 x 7.5 inches, slightly shorter than the average trade paperback, but far wider.
Full color, glossy cover
145 pages
Sharp (oh, so sharp) black text on a high grade light cream paper.

Includes an introduction written specifically for this volume, all 53 Ribcage stories to date and one new story exclusive only to the book... Standing Where It's Sturdy and Safe. Table of contents, author's bio and all the usual. Finally the stories have been re-typeset and reordered from the order that they originally appeared on the site: a more logical and linear shuffling.

I am so very impressed with Lulu, the print on demand site that made this possible. They are top quality, right down to shipping. I paid a little extra for priority mail shipping and they had the book printed and to my door on the fourth day after my order, which is damn good for print on demand. On top of that, the book itself was encased in cardboard and then placed inside a gigantic, fluffy bubble mailer... so the book has no chance of getting bent in shipping.

What can I say, the little things impress me.

Anyhow, if you purchase the book... or if you just enjoy reading ribcage, drop by the book's page at Lulu and submit a review. The site is set up in much the same way as Amazon and a few reviews would bring more browsers to the book, expanding my audience. It would be much appreciated!

There is a new story over at Ribcage, but I didn't need to tell you that.

{ ribcage pt. ii }

Splitting Ribcage into volumes has really allowed me to wrap my head around the project as a whole. With three volumes planned, today is officially the start of the middle.

The first volume's reoccurring theme was being comfortable within habits and routines and an overall lack of change.

The rest of this years stories--what will become volume 2--is quite the opposite. Breaking bad habits in the wake of big changes.

I have many, many thoughts on the final volume--the theme of which is directly related to this week's story in a far, far off way.

Speaking of Ribcage volumes... my proof copy of the first volume was sent out yesterday via priority and I believe I'll be receiving it tomorrow. If I do, and if all is up to code with it, I'll have it up for sale tomorrow night on Lulu.com.

So I should have probably mentioned Stella by now, but it seems I have not.

Maybe this has not caught your eye because you do not share a last name with the title, but Comedy Central's Stella is a revelation, I say!

This show makes me proud everytime I sign my name. Makes me feel real generous. There's plenty of the name Stella to go around.

This is the biggest thing to happen to my last name since that whole Streetcar Named Desire thing.

My only question is... why the hell is this show called Stella? There is not a single connection between the show and the name. Still, I'm standing taller.

It's about time Michael Ian Black was funny again. Now we can all forget about Spy TV.

Ribcage: Volume 1 I don't mean to be a tease, but I finished the first Ribcage book today. Here is a very small picture of the front and back cover design. (with the spine of the book in between)

I've ordered a proof copy today, so once that arrives and I've had a chance to check for printing errors, I'll put it up for sale. Less than a week, hopefully. That is, unless the book I receive is drastically screwed up.

In the meantime, the details of the book are as follows...

7.5 x 7.5 inches, slightly shorter than the average trade paperback, but far wider.
Full color, glossy cover
145 pages

Includes an introduction written specifically for this volume, all 53 Ribcage stories to date and one new story exclusive only to the book... Standing Where It's Sturdy and Safe. Table of contents, author's bio and all the usual. Finally the stories have been re-typeset and reordered from the order that they originally appeared on the site: a more logical and linear shuffling.

Yes, I can't wait to see this thing either.

Tomorrow my bank account is bloated, but we still can't make Florida happen until September. I'll blame that on the real estate market the news has told me so much about.

My brother was living in a three bedroom two years ago for $850 a month, today that same place charges $1050. Everything went up by two hundred dollars.

But that's okay. It's even okay that I'm gearing up to pay $900 for a ONE bedroom. It's a great area, on the lip of Disney World where E will be working. 950 sq. feet, vaulted ceilings, big beautiful kitchen, seperate dining room, 200 foot solarium off of the living room, a round tub, walk-in closet, washer and dryer, microwave, dishwasher, disposal and all of that. Entertainment center built into the living room wall. Maybe a fireplace, the woman isn't sure, which is strange because we have the specific apartment reserved.

But our move-in date is September 10th. This was as soon as we could get in the entire area.

Like I said, the real estate market. Anything even remotely nice is going condo. When we called, all of our top choices were suddenly condos. With everything going condo, a lot of people were pushed onto the street, only to fill up all the apartments that had not gone condo, creating long waiting lists. This one that we are hopefully moving into in September, even THEY went condo the week after we applied. Only, they're still renting the place out for the time being.

So now, we just have to live in fear that as soon as our lease is up they'll decide to sell the place and kick us out.

Let's all pray for a crash in the real estate market!

In the meantime, I have two more months to focus on my non-fiction book, Ribcage and the first Ribcage book that should be available soon; to find a literary agent and start pitching the first on that list.

E and I are still living out of boxes. Two more months of that. No closet, no substantial furniture... just boxes.

Today's lesson: Do not expect things to stay the way you left them. Florida is not as cheap as it once was. Florida is no longer begging for tenants.

There is a new story over at Ribcage today, as well as two new illustrations that Elise just finished.

Just a friendly reminder.

The details of my day are far too drawn out to draw in their entirety, but the important thing is--

The cat has been castrated. He did not get a lollipop.

Also, he had ear mites, which I believe the vets invented as a way to tack on additional treatments for something you haven't noticed and cannot see.

I got this free sample of cat food that is specifically designed for neutered cats. Apparently, the neuters are an exclusive cat club now. Their own type of food and everything! Sedna seemed to like it, but that's probably because it's ingredients were things like bone mush and chicken meal.

Good news, he's only two to three years old by the vet's estimate. That's the problem with cats that you find--what if they're like ten years old and you don't even know it? The vet wrote his birthday down as 01/05/2003 and the significance of the fifth is lost on me, but hey, it's the day after my own birthday.

In celebration of him having a birthday at all, I purchased him some claw covers. Apparently declawing is inhumane, so these will have to do. Rubber claws that slip over the real claws and stay in place with the "special adhesive." The "special adhesive" is super glue and they're not fooling anyone. Also, these claw covers are a fashionable blue. That's the official gang color of the neuters.

The cat is officially fasting in accordance with the vet. Tomorrow, parts of him will meet their fate. Not a second too soon, I swear.

This morning, I awoke to find that he had peed on a crate, on the floor twice (of which three shoes were sitting in), on the blanket I have draped over a box that is serving as a temporary TV stand, my shoulder bag that I carry everywhere and on Elise's suitcase. I think I spent a third of my day cleaning and disinfecting--my five step cat piss cleaning process. I think I've gone through half a bottle of rubbing alcohol in the past few days.

Yesterday he peed on the box of my old screenplays.

This must and will end.

In other news... I am working on the first Ribcage book! Hooray! It's a compilation of all the stories to date and hopefully a few surprises. I'll have more details soon. I'll have them up for sale later this month. All I'm going to say is--it's square.

Speaking of Ribcage, tomorrow I should be posting two more of Elise's illustrations on the site.

I finished work on my father's book and now I'm taking a few days to finish this Ribcage compilation, then it's back to my non-fiction book.

I'll have plenty of time--but more on that tomorrow, I suppose.

There are two loosely related short shorts over at Ribcage today!

The Redemption of Bottles
The Ivy of the Mind Grows

I was going to go for a third, but I need to concentrate on this upcoming Wednesday's story and making sure that it's heading in the right direction as far as my master plan is concerned.

Woke up this morning to the cat pissing on the box of all my best books. So much for keeping my stuff packed for Florida. It splashed and hit another box, so both were swifty emptied. Male cat pee is galactic, I swear. I cleaned the floor with soapy water, then rubbing alcohol, then Arm & Hammer cat box deodorizer diluted with water, then the Swiffer Wet Jet. Still not sure if that killed the ammonia or not. I think I lost my sense of smell somewhere in that process.

This cat can't lose his beans soon enough. I think he did this out of spite. He was meowing at the big wooden blockade all morning. Then finally he jumped up on that box of books, the same box of books that holds the make-shift door in place. That's when he peed.

He has an appointment with the vet on Tuesday. The earliest appointment available. Of course, the neutering nightmare is far from over. You see, Connecticut is an expensive place I hope you know. My dog lost her hair and the bill was $450 for a test and some antibiotics. So, I found this foundation that you can go through to get a cat neutered for only $40. Fantastic. But only if the cat is up to date on Rabies vaccines. Okay. We have no idea what Sedna is up to date on, Elise having found him in the parking lot of a Disney resort. How much could a government required vaccine cost, really? Well, in Connecticut--$81 dollars. Twice as much as the surgery! But that's fine. I expected to pay hundreds for all of this anyway. So this foundation, they send me an email and it says--

Below is the list of FoA participating veterinarians in your area. Before ordering the certificate you must contact the veterinarian to confirm the veterinarian's participation and ask about any additional charges.

So I contact the vet and they still participate, so all is fantastic and I make the appointment for Tuesday.

Then, I have to pay this foundation the forty dollars online to receive my certificate for one full cat neutering. The money goes through them and not the vet. Alright. I'll just print the certificate out and move on with my life. Credit card in, this email out--

Your spay/neuter certificate will be mailed to you. You should receive it within seven business days.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No one said the postal service was involved! This is why we have printers for computers!

I call the vet back because it's time to level with them. I ask if I can print out my confirmation email and use that, bring in the certificate after the surgery, but as soon as I receive it. No. If I can leave a check for the full cost of a neutering, to be returned to me upon arrival of the certificate? No. She says, "We'll have to push it back. The next opening is the Tuesday AFTER."

But my cat is peeing on my stuff! On my packed stuff! Cats love to pee on boxes! Doesn't the vet know that cats love to pee on boxes?

So then she drops a bomb. This certificate foundation. They're located in Darien. They're five miles down the road and they can hold my certificate in their office for me to pick up in person! It's perfect! As long as I get a hold of them before they ship the thing out.

I call. I call. I call. Holiday weekend. No one is in until Tuesday morning. The morning of the neutering. The neutering is scheduled for 8am and they can't push that time back. The certificate foundation opens at 9am. I am fucked. I am still taking that cat on Tuesday. I will sweet talk them. I will pretend like all is well. I will offer them an envelope of cash to be returned upon certificate presentation. I will do anything. I will drop him off and rush to Darien and catch that foundation as they're opening. If they've mailed the certificate, I'll ask them to give me another. What am I going to do? Rip them off and neuter two cats for the price of one? Do I look like a con-man? Would I rip-off a forty dollar neutering foundation, really? I'll buy another forty dollar certificate from them! Genius! I just thought of that too. The site says they're refundable! I'll return the first one. Ten dollar service charge deducted for the refund, but oh well. Ten dollars is worth a full week of my cat not pissing on my moving boxes.

Well, now I don't know what I was bitching about. I've solved my own problem. Thank you blog. You have been of much help today.

Maybe I should get into some more of my apartment woes. Nah. I'll spare you for today. Plus, I have to write a Ribcage story... remember?

Tentative title - The Ivy of the Mind Leads