Funny thing about the phone line—it just stopped working this morning. My father was convinced it had to do with the security system throughout the house. It’s setup to dial ADT when you actually pay ADT for service. So he starts smacking random numbers on the security system’s keypad… hoping that this will somehow make our phone have a dial tone. Instead, somehow, he arms the system.
Funny thing about armed security systems—they don’t like to go unarmed without a code. We don’t have the code. So naturally we open a window, to see what will happen.
So yeah. Please do this for me… please imagine the worst sound you’ve ever heard. NO-better… please imagine the worst sound you’ve never heard. Hold it-
It’s the day after Christmas and you accidentally step on your new kitten’s neck.
That’s a pretty bad sound. But I need you to forget about the kitten.
I need you to run the squeal of a pig being slaughtered, on a loop, through the universe’s largest guitar amp. Then for good measure, crank that treble all the way up. Then for final, you gotta wear that shit like a hearing aid.
This high pitched tone, this weapon of a sound, it’s trying to kill us. And worst of all, without the code, there’s no way to stop it.
I stand in the kitchen, my hands over my ears, hoping the sound will cause one of the eighteen windows in the “Florida Room” to shatter. Hoping a shard of glass will land in my head; take me away from such a horrible tone.
Reagan shakes uncontrollably in the corner.
Anthony comes running out of the bathroom in just a towel. He is obviously confused and seconds away from jumping out the living room picture window.
Somewhere, I can make out some mish-mash of computer voice that makes no sense when covered up by so much TONE.
My father locates the wall unit emitting this thing and rips it from the wall.
And then silence.
And then, “Fire in zone 95. Breach in zone 40. Fire in zone 95.” It’s the main security keypad and apparently it’s concerned about a fire in zone 95!
So my father does what is completely necessary at this point. He quiets the system by systematically cutting twenty wires from the security system’s box in the basement.
And then lasting silence.
But the phone still doesn’t work. Hopefully they’ll fix that in the morning.
Drove into New York for filming today. On the way… got a call… more about that later.
The first setup was at an upscale steakhouse right there in Manhattan. It is there that we met my father’s loyal message board devotees. It was quite strange actually. It felt wrong. These two women… they basically worship us… our whole family. I’m talking… back home there’s a package waiting for us with a holiday wreath, decorative soap and tapestry calendar, from them of course. It makes sense though. We chose them to come on the special. They were more excited than us to be on the Food Network and it was our doing.
Anthony and I skip out on most of the day of filming to walk around Manhattan. I finally find my hat and gloves at a Gap in Times Square.
We see Jack Hanna outside the back entrance to David Letterman.
I finally see the Empire State Building… which evaded me on my last visit.
We walk by the tiny office of Troma films. Anthony comes up with the idea of barging in and handing them a dvd of Robert Cake and so we decide to give it a shot. We ring the bell for the Troma floor of the office building and the door immediately unlocks. We explain our plan to one of the Troma guys and he gives us a full tour. This tour consists of “here is my desk,” and “here’s a wall of autographed stuff.” But it’s just cool to be in there.
When Anthony pulls out our dvd he immediately recognizes it. We don’t even remember sending them the movie. He decides to prove it and takes us to the room with all the independent submissions, but searches through stacks of movies and can’t find it.
Back in the main office, he shows us some more unimpressive stuff… and then stumbles upon a video of Robert Cake in one of the desks. They DO have it.
It’s proof that Anthony’s poster design was definitely memorable… seeing as he recognized it immediately.
Also a pretty direct link of our movie to South Park… with all that lawsuit stuff… considering Matt Stone and Trey Parker are always involved with Troma. And considering that video looked like on the very first.
On the way out… the guy grabs us a few Troma dvds.
At six we meet back up with our parents and the film crew at CBS studios. They stage a fake seminar and bring in a small audience from who knows where. Once again… more star treatment. Very weird stuff.
Anyway… all the filming went great… an all around good day.
And about that call in the morning. It was the Food Network’s programming director.
My father got the weekly series.
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